The Tao of Beige

1. If you are hanging around in a public area, minding your own business, and a stranger approaches you and asks, brusquely, if you speak English, you must reply, in your best Received Pronunciation, “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m afraid I don’t,” and WALK AWAY IMMEDIATELY.

2. If you are in the middle of a conversation you don’t like, check your watch (or the arm where your watch would be), exclaim brightly, “Ooh, I’m sorry, it’s time for me to pray!” and WALK AWAY IMMEDIATELY.

3. If you meet someone you know to be racist, make sure and greet them by shaking their left hand with yours. Then come over all embarrassed and apologise profusely for using your “bottom-wiping hand”. Perhaps run away quite quickly.

4. When filling out ethnicity questionnaires, make sure to tick the ‘other’ box. In the ‘please tell us more’ box, write “it’s complicated”.

5. Make up a country. For example, Turkminkystan. Then drop it into conversation – “As you know, the recent troubles in Turkminkystan mean that the government has imposed severe import restrictions”. Watch people nod wisely.

6. When people ask you what you are doing for Christmas, say “I’m going home to Sweden to see my family. My cousin Lars must be so big now!” This works particularly well if you are a very deep beige.

7. Or smile enigmatically and say, “We don’t celebrate Christmas in the palace.”

8. Where possible, preface all of your opinions with “As a black man….” Bonus points if you are neither black, nor a man.

9. Leave your hair dark, but bleach your roots and eyebrows.

10. Never EVER commit the sin of asking another Beige about their ethnicity BEFORE you know their full name and at least TWO OTHER THINGS about them.