Glastonbury tips from a veteran

Do take tent poles. A little obvious maybe, but trying to erect a hovel out of firewood while 50 hippies laugh at you is a miserable, splintery experience.

Don’t take one of those fancy funky coloured paisley patterned tents. Some malicious fucker with a secondhand Milletts jobby will rip it.

Don’t take those mushrooms your boyfriend bought off some bloke. Even if “it’s all right, he’s Welsh and he’s in a wheelchair!” With all due respect to the relevant parties, it’s not a guarantee of quality. You don’t want to end up in the Sacred Space vomiting your guts out with the hand of god coming out of the sky to get you. Or do you?

Do carry a Maglite. Just cos.

Don’t tie your dreadlocks up with tent string. You won’t be able to comb them out in time for college on Monday. Trust me.

Do invest in some dry shampoo. You’ll feel less skanky if you don’t have access to a shower.

Don’t fear the toilets. Yes, I know, ohmigod, they’re disgusting. But you can’t hold it in. I cannot stress enough how much moist towelettes are key to a positive Glastonbury experience.

Do befriend someone with a camper van.

Don’t take all your acid all in one go. I don’t care if like, it’s so beautiful, and everyone’s so friendly, and oh look, fire dancers! Just. Really. Don’t.

Do visit the smaller stages and tents. It’s worth it, you might see something original, and there are fewer beery twats. Also, if you visit the main stages try and sit further away from the stage, on an incline. You get to enjoy the lightshow without someone’s armpit in your face.

Don’t take your expensive mobile. Take out your SIM card and whack it in an old brick you have lying around.

Do take cash. B’aint no cash machines in Shepton Mallet, apparently.

Don’t appreciate a soundsystem by throwing your hat on the ground and bellydancing with wild abandon. People will throw money at you. Which is admittedly handy if you’ve run out of cash.

Do get a wax before going if you’re a lady. Dry shaving in a hot tent is no fun.

Don’t buy those tie-dye trousers. Or those beads. Or get a henna tattoo (or worse). These things won’t fly in the real world.

Do take a photo of any immaculately coiffeured goths wandering about, and send it to me. I always wonder how they manage it.

Don’t anger the locals. They’ve seen it all before. And they have guns.

Have fun!